The Silent Fury: How Patriarchy Polices Women's Anger

Unpacking the Double Standards That Silence Women and Suppress Their Power

Women are supposed to be demure robots.

Smile on command.

Never say anything that could threaten someone’s ego—even if it's meant as a powerful statement rather than a threat.

Nod your head "yes" to please someone else—especially if it is a man—though this expectation doesn’t always apply exclusively to men. Nod "no" to avoid actions that might upset another person.

This expectation of agreement extends to your mother-in-law, your female co-worker, your boss, or even at dinner with your group of friends (though perhaps not as much in one-on-one situations). It applies anywhere your actions might pose a threat to someone else's perception.

It can make one angry with having to suppress your real feelings, and that anger can grow into rage and resentment.

But what if, instead of suppressing it, you allowed yourself to truly feel your anger?

Anger, when acknowledged and expressed meaningfully, can become a powerful force for change. It can highlight areas of your life that need boundaries, lead you to advocate for yourself, and create space for authenticity in your relationships.

Childhood

I remember, as a child and then as a teen, being told by my parents what I thought and felt—especially when I did something I didn’t even realize was wrong. I often felt caught off guard because, most of the time, I was either trying to please them or avoid them altogether. There was no interest in knowing or understanding me, and I learned to quiet my voice at home. Elsewhere, though, that was a different story.

In young adulthood, my anger continued to grow. From being sexually harassed to standing up for others who couldn’t, my rage found various outlets, though I never let it show in how I spoke.

When I got married in my early 20s, however, I realized that suppressing my feelings and staying quiet was still necessary—unless he happened to agree with me.

Choices You Make

If a potential partner chooses you, the "feminine" thing to do is to choose them back.

Being chosen feels like power, yet it often comes at the cost of never learning to truly choose yourself—since you were never told, taught, or able to have learned what it actually means to choose yourself first. In every relationship that ends, there was an aspect of a woman not choosing herself somewhere in the relationship, particularly at the beginning.

You owe everyone the “nice” parts of yourself. No one wants to see you assertive, courageous, or standing your ground. No one knows what to do with you. If you upset the apple cart, stop immediately before someone gets upset that you’re upset.

Are you angry yet? If so, swallow it. Maybe a glass of wine will help. Just don’t have an emotional reaction—or you might be labeled as "crazy."

Your Self Worth

The dualistic way women are perceived in society goes back centuries: men can; women cannot. It’s not "all men," but for those who wield patriarchal privilege, having their way and being deferred to is absolutely a perceived entitlement.

In a patriarchal system, a woman’s worth remains diminished.

Anger—especially a woman’s anger—is deemed unacceptable. It scares people because they no longer know how to perceive her. She becomes a wildcard, a threat to the societal order.

Historically, women who expressed anger too openly faced institutionalization or worse—lobotomies. Even today, society continues to police women’s emotions.

Vilified for Showing Anger

Consider Serena Williams’s passionate protest during the 2018 US Open: her frustration was vilified, while similar outbursts by male athletes have often been normalized. John McEnroe, for instance, was disqualified from the Australian Open in 1990 after breaking his racket, yelling at a linesman, and cursing—behavior he exhibited frequently throughout his career from 1978 to 1992. Despite his reputation for regular outbursts, he was only disqualified once. In contrast, Serena Williams has faced harsher penalties for less severe incidents, underscoring a glaring double standard in how male and female athletes are judged.

You’re Pretty!

For many women, life is built on external validation—rewards for compliance. Over time, the pressure to be anything but your authentic self accumulates. Be a "good girl," they say. No one likes a "mean girl." And "mean" is often defined as expressing your anger or being too much—whatever that means.

Even during her fertile years, a woman is often reduced to her appearance, her ability to please others, and her role in managing the household. Her physiology is valued for only so long, and even that is viewed through a misogynistic lens.

Meanwhile, many women do not have the opportunity—or for some, the desire—to stay home once they have a family. Yet, women are still paid less for work of equal value, are more likely to experience poverty, and face unequal access to resources, goods, and services.

Are You Just An Angry Woman?

This isn’t just about anger—it’s about erasure. A systematic denial of women’s right to exist as fully human, with all the complexities and emotions that entails.

Expressing anger doesn’t even mean an explosion; it often means simply disagreeing with the situation at hand.

Allowing yourself to feel anger can help you modulate your emotions, become aware of what provoked you and make a decision through your emotional intelligence on your next steps. It can inspire others and remind you of your power to create change in both your personal life and the world around you.

What Does Anger Do to You?

Here’s the worst part of holding onto it, holding it down, and never letting the anger out: you feel angry all the time. It interferes with your well-being, disrupting your sleep—waking up at 2 a.m. wishing you had said something different three days ago. It affects your diet, leaving you distracted or overeating, perhaps creating health issues and seeps into every aspect of how you care for yourself.

You miss so much of life, connections as you remain disconnected, distant and afraid.

In a relaxed state, our brains activate the social engagement system. This allows us to experience others differently— our facial expressions are softer—bringing more positive mental states of connection, our heart rate slows, and we are open to sustained eye contact.

In this more peaceful zone, you have a muscle in your middle ear that allows you to hear nuances in the human voice. Those nuances aka the tensor tympaniare are key to hearing emotion and meaning from someone’s voice.

Constant anger, however, rewires how we hear and perceive. When trapped in fight, flight, or freeze mode, we only hear high or low frequencies, like a predator might be nearby.

Anger isolates us, not just socially but neurologically.

What Can You Do?

Becoming a more equal society doesn’t mean tearing everything down in anger—it means expressing how we feel in the moment, without blame or holding others responsible for our pain.

It’s not about “taking yourself back.” You never had yourself to begin with. Now is the time to choose yourself first.

Start by recognizing your anger as a signal, not a weakness.

Ask yourself what triggered the feeling or what boundary did you allow to be broken or what need is unmet?

Then, learn your feelings in a meaningful manner, to know yourself is the place to start, it makes it easier to express yourself.

Speak your truth calmly and clearly, without apologizing for having emotions. When you choose to honor your anger instead of suppressing it, you give yourself permission to heal, to reconnect with your real self, and to reclaim your power.

This isn’t just about you; it sets an example for others to break free from societal expectations and embrace their own voices.